Please note some jokes may have slight adult content or offend those of a sensitive disposition. If you read any further and are offended, it's your fault!
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?!
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps
out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers... The officer is quite
stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to
the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is
Barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" &
storms off. He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks "What
did you do?"
Paddy replies "Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!"
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
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Tomato GardenAn old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
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A woman goes into a pet shop. The shopkeeper says "What are you looking for?"
The woman says "I don't know really just a nice pet for the family".
The shopkeeper says, "Well, puppies are to the left, kittens to the right, there are some rabbits and snakes at the end and one or two odds and sods in among".
The woman wanders around and spots a parrot in the corner which she takes a fancy to.
"How much is the parrot?" she asks.
The petshop owner says "£25 ".
"That is very reasonable for a parrot" replies the woman.
"The shopkeeper says "There is a slight issue about the parrot, it has lived in a brothel and sometimes comes out with some choice language".
"Oh I am broad minded", says the woman. "I'll take it".
She gets the parrot home, puts it on the sideboard and removes the cover. The parrot looks round.
"New house," says the parrot. "Very nice"
The woman's two daughters come home.
"New girls - very nice," says the parrot.
The womans husband comes home.
The parrot says,
"Hello Keith!"
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Pastor’s Donkey
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won..The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild..
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! Have a great day!
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